So it really shouldn't be me needing counselling...
It should be Paul. He's the one who is physically and mentally suffering.. but he is GREAT.
He's been worried about ME?!
I've been the mess recently.
Weirdly, following the 6th round of chemo it's like the pressure cooker lid has finally come off.
There's been suggestion of a CT scan to see if the meso has spread elsewhere which we'll do beginning of June and I think I've just had a massive wobble. It's a bit like getting to the end of your exams.. you survive on pure adrenaline until the last one and then there's a huge surge of relief and exhaustion/bleurgh..and I'm also worried about becoming increasingly scared and negative. I often get nervous eye ticks and (rarely but unfortunately) palpitations.
I got in touch with a counsellor and turned up for my first session. Bupa have kindly covered it ( I couldn't afford it..yet again reminded of how fortunate we had this covered through Paul's work)
I'll call her SM for now.
She met me with a hello and not a word until we sat down. I had no idea what was going on and as she sat there expectantly saying nothing, i found myself giggling wondering what the heck was going on!!?? I'm not a fan of awkward silences and have never been to counselling.
She was great actually.
Counselling is fairly straight forward.
I talk. She listens.
And I found myself droning on!
Blah blah blah...
Gosh, I was freaking boring, but she was pretty shocked when she heard my story, and asked loads of questions.
My new Meso-Normal is seemingly quite fascinating.
She was very patient as I bleeted on.
She asked me some pertinent qns
How do I express anger? (No idea...?)
Do I like to accept help? (Erm.. absolutely not. Makes me feel very uncomfortable and owing)
Why don't I cry more? (Coping mechanism from when my dad suddenly died at 15. I get stress headaches instead)
I'm glad I went even though I was terribly nervous beforehand.
I left feeling profoundly confused as to why she refused to tell me how she was...
Here goes something.
I'm actually really glad I'm getting help.
And so is Paul.